The number one question I receive from a wife or girlfriend of a sex addict is “why did he do this to me?”. Women are baffled that men who claim they are in love can engage in sexual activity that demonstrates little regard for the them or the relationship.
So why do men lack sexual integrity. Is it simply that they are pigs? Are they completely self-absorbed and self-centered individuals who think only of their own gratification and needs? In some cases, that is definitely true. There are many men who were raised in environments in which they developed a sense of entitlement and focus mostly on the fulfillment of their own needs and desires. But not all men who suffer from sexual integrity issues can be lumped into this category. Over the years, in treating sexual addictions, I have been able to identify eight major reasons why men lack sexual integrity. Let’s take a brief look three of them.
1. Life Lacks Stimulation. Some men were raised in an environment that offered little in the way of positive interaction among family members. Even if they were surrounded by people they felt isolated and alone. They grow up learning to entertain themselves and find it more comfortable to be alone than with others. They lead a low-key and quiet existence as children and teenagers. Then one day they discovered sex and experienced an intensity of stimulation they had never felt before. It is overpowering and captivates them like nothing they had ever experience before. Now their focus is laser-focused on sex as they continue to feed their new-found desire for stimulation. As they become adults they are now programmed to fill any dull and quiet moments with the quest to obtain the chemical rush that sex delivers.
2. Need for Affirmation. These are individuals who grow up receiving little in the way of praise and perhaps a great deal of criticism. The result is they suffer from low self-worth. They may believe they are worthless and aren’t good at accomplishing anything (even though they may be successful). However, along the way they discover they are good sex partners. This will lead them to seek praise and affirmation from others based on their ability to provide sexual satisfaction and pleasure to their partners. They will focus more on pleasuring their partner than their own fulfillment in order to receive recognition. In fact, they will believe they are God’s gift to women and they are cheating women by not allowing them to experience the physical pleasure they can deliver.
3. Inability to Emotionally Connect. A man who falls into this group has a difficult time emotionally connecting with others. Along the way he was taught that feelings were not important – and perhaps dangerous – and therefore he has the inability to emotionally bond in a healthy way with women. He uses sex and physical intimacy as a substitute for emotional intimacy. He believes he is emotionally attached but the only attachment he has formed is through physical intimacy.
Next time we will look at three more reasons why men lack sexual integrity.