By Eddie Capparucci, Ph.D., LPC, C-CSAS

Betrayal creates wounds that shatter trust and emotional stability in relationships. Healing takes time and results in many emotionally heavy conversations. This is the hill where most betrayers decide they want to fight back to put an end to the ongoing conflict. This is their biggest mistake. 

Betrayers need to stop negatively feeding the conversation by going into in-depth explanations and essentially telling the betrayed spouse, “You’re wrong.” You may not mean to communicate this point, but that is what you are saying. And it is not helpful.

Neither is making excuses when you fail to adhere to the boundaries you promised to keep. Minimizing, defensiveness, and omitting are harmful coping strategies created to help you avoid difficult conversations. 

Tara knows what it is like to experience the wrenching pain of betrayal. Her husband, Sal, had been distant for much of their 25-year marriage due to his pornography struggles. “Today, I get worried whenever he starts to withdraw; it brings back those painful memories when he was choosing porn over me,” she said. “I need him to understand how scared I am in those moments, but all I get is hostility, bitterness, and anger.”

Her voice echoes the fears of many who have been betrayed – the fear that although their partner has been sober, the trust may once again be broken. Sal’s sobriety of nine months is welcomed but not enough to overcome her fragile emotional state during this season of healing.

If relationships are going to heal, the betrayed partner must have the opportunity and time to grieve. But this cannot be achieved if those who have betrayed cannot cease adding fuel to difficult conversations. Betrayers must seek three objectives when facing partners’ grief – which often resembles hostility – to assist in the healing process. 

1. Presence and Engagement: During emotionally charged moments, engaging is essential instead of retreating into deafening silence or becoming aggressive. You must bring a reassuring presence to the conversation. This includes a calm demeanor and an unwavering commitment to understand and empathize with your partner’s current state of emotional regulation. While you are not responsible for regulating your partner’s emotions, you can assist by not making the situation worse by throwing fuel onto the fire by minimizing, lying, gaslighting, or shutting down. Be strong and be there for her.

2. Silencing the Inner Child: You must not allow your Inner Child to speak to your betrayed spouse. The Child will have nothing positive to offer to the conversation – he’s a kid! You know your Inner Child has entered the dialogue whenever you become defensive, aggressive, or attempt to shut down. You must be alert for any mood shift you experience when trying to comfort your spouse. If your mood escalates, you MUST take a short break. Remember, your Inner Child’s number one goal is comfort. I do not need to tell you the situation you are facing is anything but comfortable. But then again, think about your spouse. How comfortable is she at this time? 

So, how do you keep your Inner Child quiet? When you sense your spouse is in a grieving moment, you tell her you are going to take 10 minutes so you can prepare yourself to assist her and be engaged in the conversation. A note to those betrayed: let him do this, please. Then sit and let your Inner Child know there is a difficult time coming; however, an adult is available to protect him. And that adult is you. This calms your Inner Child because he never had an adult to help him when he was going through emotional discomfort. After doing this, go back and engage. During the conversation, take another short break if you sense the Inner Child is gradually returning to the room. But if you take a break, let your spouse know you are coming back. And make sure you come back.

3. See the Pain: Finally, this is the most important action you can take that will change all your engagements with your betrayed partner. See her pain. This is the reason for your minimizing, stonewalling, gaslighting, withdrawing, and lying – you fail to identify her pain point. 

In these grieving situations, understanding the distinction between the painful event your spouse suffered (your infidelity) and her emotions regarding the event is crucial. For example, she is upset and crying as she says she cannot believe you cheated on her. You think to yourself, her pain point is I have cheated. Cheating is the event that occurred. That is not her emotional pain point. 

Cheating is the cause of her emotional pain point. So, what pain is she experiencing? It can vary depending on her thoughts and emotions at the moment. The pain may be because she feels abandoned or foolish for not seeing warning signs. Perhaps she feels not heard. Your responsibility is to find and address her pain point with empathy, remorse, and compassion. 

Betrayers are responsible for providing the safe environment their partners need during times of grieving. This is best accomplished by being engaged, taking breaks, and keeping their ‘Inner Child’ in check. Betrayed partners are encouraged to permit these breaks, trusting their partners’ return to the dialogue.

To achieve meaningful progress in the aftermath of betrayal, each conversation must be seen as an opportunity to heal—a chance to replace pain with understanding, frustration with empathy, and years of negative patterns with new, positive interactions.

Remember, it is not just about refraining from causing further damage—it’s about actively contributing to the healing journey. Your words can either feed the negative cycle or become the seeds to blossom new trust.

Tips to Embed in Your Recovery Dialogue

• Engage: Make a conscious decision to be present and attuned to your partner’s emotional needs.
• Reassure: Let your partner know that their emotions are valid and commit to returning to discussions after brief pauses for self-regulation.
• Empathize: Actively seek out and address your partner’s true emotional pain points, offering empathy and understanding instead of defensiveness or excuses.

Rebuilding trust after betrayal is neither simple nor swift. It is a process filled with potential growth and a pathway to deepening connection. However, it is also littered with potholes. By not feeding conversations with negative words and actions, these dialogues will help you as a couple to emerge stronger on the other side of adversity.

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Eddie Capparucci is a licensed professional counselor certified in treating Problematic Sexual Behaviors. Among his many clients, Eddie has worked with professional athletes, including NFL and MLB players and television personalities. He is the creator of the Inner Child Model™ for treating PSBs. He is the author of

• Going Deeper: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Sexual Addiction
• Why Men Struggle to Love: Overcoming Relational Blind Spots
• Understanding the Inner Child and Overcoming Addiction
• Going Deeper for Women: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Love & Sex Addiction
• Removing Your Shame Label: Learning to Break From Shame and Feel God’s Love. 

He is the administrator of the websites www.MenAgainstPorn.org and www.SexuallyPureMen.com.  Over the years, he has spoken to numerous organizations regarding the harmful impact pornography has on individuals, relationships, and society. He hosts a monthly webcast: Getting to the Other Side: Helping Couples Navigate the Road to Recovery. You can learn more about his Inner Child Model at www.innerchild-sexaddiction.com.