Tag: Victims of pornography

Empathy for Her is Understanding ‘Why’

By Eddie Capparucci, LPC, CSRRS, CCSAS, CPCS

If I asked you why you abuse sex you would probably give me one of the following: answers:

“I have no idea”
“I wish I knew”
“I think it’s just who I am”
“It is the way God made me”
“I think I am simply perverted”
“I’m sick”
“I’m disgusting”
“I’m just a loser”
“I’m a bad man”
“I mentally disturbed”
“I am too self-absorbed”

In treating men struggling with sex/porn addiction I have heard all those comments and more when I asked the why question. Without a clear-cut rationale for why we will simply default to believing it’s a character flaw. In our minds, the obsessed focus on sex is the result of our overactive sexual energy.

“I am convinced I am hard-wired differently than other guys,” said Connor, who at one time was spending nearly $250 a week on live sex webcasts. “There is no other explanation for why I am consumed with sexual thoughts around the clock. I can never get enough.”

Connor is right, he is hard-wired to abuse sexbut not due to anything biological or physiological. Connor’s obsession for sex was developed because someone(s) hard-wired him by causing emotional pain. He learned to block out the emotional distress by distracting himself with sex. To straighten out his wiring, Connor, like all sex addicts, will need to discover the true root of his addiction.

Her Need for Empathy

I truly believe uncovering the origin of a sex/porn addiction is vital in recovery process. The key to unlocking the power of a sex/porn addiction is for men to discover why it manifested in the first place. The answer to the why question provides a level of freedom and relief that enables us to feel hopeful we can get the addiction under control.

 But this information is not only important for men dealing with sexual integrity issues, but it’s also valuable for their spouse or partner.      

Why? Because it helps both parties clearly understand the addiction is not only about “sex”. This insight helps to clear up the misconception they are simply dealing with “an out-of-control pervert” who will never stop acting out. It provides a sense of hope needed, not only to manage the addiction, but to keep the relationship together.

When a wife or partner understands the ‘why’, it opens the door for them to develop empathy, which is needed for a couple to reconnect. Empathy allows those betrayed to see the addict through a softer pair of eyes that are not as condemning and judgmental.

 “I was shocked to learn what Matt had been doing had nothing to do with sex,” said Rachel. “It was quite a relief to understand there actually was some rationale for the insane things he had been doing.”

Now don’t take Rachel’s comments wrong. It’s not that she was condoning Matt’s sexual addiction it was simply that she could now see why he had been acting out in such a destructive manner.

“Just because I now understand doesn’t mean I am ready to forgive,” she continued. “But I could see that day coming. Prior to this, I had no hope of ever forgiving him. It’s obvious he’s been dealing with a lot from his childhood that I never knew.”

When a woman develops empathy for her sex/porn-addicted partner she indicates an understanding of his problem. However, she is not, in any way, shape or form saying she is accepting of the behavior. She continues to despise it. By becoming empathic a woman can find a way to adjust her thinking to once again accept her partner if she sees he is taking steps to change.

Basically, she is saying “I understand why you do what you do. It all makes sense to me now. However, I still don’t like it, so what are you doing to fix it?”

IMPORTANT FACT: Discovering the reasons why a man abuses sex is not an excuse for his behavior. He had other options, including to seek help earlier. But he elected not to take them. He is still responsible for the pain he has caused to others.

How to Determine if You are a Sex Addict?

Sometimes it is difficult to determine if someone is dealing with a sexual addiction. A man who views pornography a couple times a year may be acting inappropriately and hurting intimacy between him and his wife, but it doesn’t mean he is a sex addict. sexual-addiction1

A sexual addiction is diagnosed when sexual activity has a negative impact and effect on other parts of a person’s life including relationships, finances, health, safety, employment, and/or relationship with God. 

The following is a brief assessment to help you get an initial read if you are indeed struggling with a sexual addiction. Check each one that applies to you.

Does your mind wander with sexual thoughts throughout the day?

Do you spend more than 4 hours a week viewing pornography or engaging in sexual chat/video rooms on the Internet? Continue reading “How to Determine if You are a Sex Addict?”

Uh, oh! Pornography Users Outed

It’s a frightening day for more than 800,000 users of the porn site Brazzers. Seems hackers got into the site and have uncovered and leaked user names, emails and passwords. This could be as embarrassing as the leaks that occurred with the Ashley Madison account last year. 

Here’s the complete story from the Sept. 5 edition of The Sun.

It could end up being one of the most embarrassing leaks in the history of the web.

porn site leak

Up to to one million porn users have had their details leaked online

Adult site Brazzers confirmed that nearly 800,000 users’ details had so far been compromised.

According to Motherboard, the leak includes full emails, user names, and passwords. Matt Stevens, public relations manager at Brazzers, said: “This matches an incident which occurred in 2012 with our ‘Brazzersforum,’ which was managed by a third party.

“The incident occurred because of a vulnerability in the said third party software, the ‘Bulletin’ software, and not Brazzers itself. It could end up being one of the most embarassing leaks for many in the history of the web. “Brazzers takes the privacy and safety of its users very seriously”, he continued. Those who use the site have been advised to change their passwords and emails.

“Brazzers takes the privacy and safety of its users very seriously”, he continued. Those who use the site have been advised to change their passwords and emails.

 

 

 

3 Messages You Send Her When You Watch Porn

“I don’t know what you are so upset about. Every guy watches porn. It’s no big deal so why don’t you just leave it alone.”

I am blown away by the number of men I meet in my counseling practice who have uttered those words to their wives to justify their pornography addiction. In fact, many men believe watching pornography is as harmless as watching football. In their minds, since “every guy watches porn,” then it’s a harmless activity.

But they’re wrong.

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Viewing pornography is far from harmless, especially to the emotional well-being of our wives. When we watch porn, we are sending extremely hurtful messages to our spouses.

While we may not intend to communicate self-worth eroding messages, nevertheless these messages are coming through loud and clear. Here are three of them.

Continue reading “3 Messages You Send Her When You Watch Porn”

4 Reasons Why Women Are Not Sex Objects

According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, the definition of objectifying is as follows:  “to treat (someone) as an object rather than as a person” Now think for a moment if people started looking, referring, and treating you like an “object”? How do you believe you would feel? Insulted? Demeaned? Dishonored? Befouled? Humiliated? Tarnished?

How about outright pissed? You know you would be! So why then is it considered cool or even natural for us men to look upon women as playthings created simply for our own gratification? This type of behavior rings with an air of superiority, which we have no right to claim.couple-913236_640

“There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” Galatians 3:28,

There is no mistaking that men and women are different. However, they also are seen as equal in God’s eyes. And if the Creator sees them that way, then how can we not? There are many reasons why women are not sex objects and should not be treated as such. Let’s take a look at four. Continue reading “4 Reasons Why Women Are Not Sex Objects”

So You Think Women Enjoy Being in Porn? Think Again.

Readers, the following first appeared on the website ThePornEffect.com. It is a letter written by a young woman who spent time in the pornography industry. For those men – and even some women – who think there is nothing wrong viewing pornography, you need to read this.

Dear Porn User,

I want you to know that I don’t write this with any hostility to you. Maybe you watch porn but don’t want to. Maybe you watch porn and don’t want to stop. Either way, thanks for reading.internetporn

I was a “porn star” for only six months but featured in over twenty films. I’ve been there, I’ve done that, and I’ve seen the reality of what the porn industry is really like. I think many people believe falsehoods about porn. Falsehoods which, if they knew them to be such, would probably try harder (or try at all) to stop watching porn. Continue reading “So You Think Women Enjoy Being in Porn? Think Again.”

Should a Woman Ignore Her Man’s Porn Use?

During a recent marriage counseling session, a young wife said this to me after I discovered the husband enjoyed viewing pornography.
“I don’t see the big deal,” said Candy. “I think it’s something all men do. Besides, that’s not the reason we’re here. As we said earlier, we are having troubling connecting and I feel he is being very distant.” Breaking Heart
Candy, like many other women, buy into the myth that there is nothing they can do to stop their husbands from watching pornography. They have been conditioned to believe that watching porn is as natural to men as leaving the toilet seat up. Continue reading “Should a Woman Ignore Her Man’s Porn Use?”

Should I Tell My Spouse about Struggles with Sexual Purity?

Great article by Garrett Kell on being upfront and transparent with our wives about the struggle of sexual sin. This article originally appeared on the website “For The Church’. Read and take the advice to heart. One of the biggest issues facing couples in this situation is the husband lacks the courage to be honest and open. It is a BIG mistake and only leads to further pain and mistrust. 

Continue reading “Should I Tell My Spouse about Struggles with Sexual Purity?”

Let Her Throw Rocks

Let Her Throw Rocks

By Eddie Capparucci, MA, LPC
One of the most tragic aspects of a sexual addiction is the emotional pain our insensitive and self-absorbed actions cause to our innocent partner. They are the unfortunate ones who get tangled in our web of deceit and are made to pay a large price for our destructive behavior. Rocks in bucket

It breaks my heart the first time a couple sits across from me in a counseling session and I listen to the wife or girlfriend describe her anguish and frustration in trying to understand why the man she thought loved her with all his heart could crush her world through his wicked infidelity. I see in their eyes their internal struggle to contemplate how they will ever be able to recover from the betrayal and learn to trust and love again. What makes it more heartbreaking is when they start to question what they could have done differently to prevent him from acting out. Continue reading “Let Her Throw Rocks”

Do You Use Backpage For Sexual Meet-ups? So Do Pimps.

Do You Use Backpage For Sexual Meet-ups? So Do Pimps.

Many of my clients have utilized Backpage to solicit sex. Backpage is a form of solicitation that  is also widely use by pimps and sex traffickers. They are not afraid to post the image of young girls they have tricked, abused and forced into prostitution. Below is an excellent article by Nicholas Kristof of the New York Times demonstrating the severity of the problem.  If you are using Backpage to find sexual hook-ups are you any different than the pimps who use it as a marketing tool? No! You are just as guilty of exploiting young girls and women. 

We as a society derided the Roman Catholic Church as an accessory to child sexual abuse, and we lambasted Penn State for similar offenses.

Yet we as a society are complicit or passive in a similar way, by allowing a popular website called Backpage.com to be used to arrange child rape. Consider what happened to a girl I’ll call Natalie, who was trafficked into the sex industry in Seattle at age 15.

“It was every parent’s nightmare,” Natalie’s mother, Nacole, told me. “It can happen to any parent. Fifteen-year-olds don’t make the best choices. I dropped her off at school in the morning, I was expecting to pick her up after track practice in the afternoon, and then I didn’t see her for 108 days.” The girl ran off to a bus station, was found by a pimp, and within days was being sold for sex on Backpage.

Backpage has classified ads for everything from antiques to boats, but it makes its money on escort ads. It has about 80 percent of the U.S. market for online sex ads in America, mostly for consenting adults but many also for women who are forcibly trafficked or for underage girls. Children in at least 47 states have been sold on Backpage, by one aid group’s count.

“We were an everyday, average family,” Nacole said. “Our children were involved in sports. She played the violin. She was on the soccer team. And she made a stupid decision one day that forever changed her life. And Backpage facilitated it.”

If there were a major American website openly selling heroin or anthrax, there would be an outcry. Yet we Americans tolerate a site like Backpage.com that is regularly used to peddle children. We avert our eyes, and the topic tends not to come up in polite society.

“I had no idea how much juvenile trafficking goes on until my family became a victim of it,” Nacole said.

Thousands of children are trafficked for sex each year in the United States, but there are no solid numbers. What is clear is only that it’s a big problem that gets minimal attention; it’s essentially never mentioned in the current political campaign.

Yet a few forces are coming together to put pressure on Backpage. One is a lawsuit in Washington State against Backpage by Natalie and two other girls who at age 13 were also sold on the website; one of the 13-year-olds said that she was raped 20 times a day.

If there were a major U.S. website openly selling heroin or anthrax, there’d be an outcry. But we tolerate a site like Backpage that is regularly used to peddle children for sex.

Then there is the prospect that the Senate this month will adopt a Contempt of Congress resolution, the first by the Senate in 21 years (the last involved the Whitewater investigation), and this time it’s bipartisan and the target is Backpage. The aim is to force Backpage to comply with subpoenas from the Senate’s Permanent Subcommittee on Investigations, which is looking into the company’s role in sex trafficking.

Senator Rob Portman, the Ohio Republican who leads the panel, told me that he expects the Senate to vote next week on the resolution and he doesn’t know of anyone planning to vote against it.

The subcommittee has already uncovered disturbing information about Backpage, including the way it edits ads to reduce law enforcement scrutiny and does not retain photo data that could be used to find missing children. And Senate investigators uncovered an instruction to the Backpage staff that seemed to suggest erring on the side of letting girls be sold: “only delete [ads] if you really very sure person is underage.”

The Senate panel found that Backpage was worth hundreds of millions of dollars and in 2014 had an Ebitda margin, a measure of profitability, of 82 percent, compared with an average of 9.3 percent for online services companies.

Yiota Souras of the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children notes that the issue is not adult prostitution or sex among consenting adults: “That’s totally removed from what we’re focusing on here, which is children sold to be raped.”

Whatever we think about the presidential race, whatever our political party, we should be able to agree to act to stop the exploitation of children. It’s wrong when the Catholic Church hierarchy looks the other way, when Penn State averts its eyes, and also when we as a society do the same thing.