By Eddie Capparucci, Ph.D., LPC, CSAS

It is not uncommon once D-Day occurs for betrayed partners to ask three questions.

1. What kind of relationship did we have that allowed you to hurt me?

2. What were you thinking when you were having sex with other people or watching porn?

3. What were you thinking about me when you were having sex with other people or watching porn?

All are legitimate inquiries based on the betrayed partner’s desire to understand the depth of her partner’s commitment to the relationship. She wants to know what kind of relationship they had because it creates a disconnect that “if you loved me, you would not be able to cheat on me.“

So, let us answer these questions. But please note that while the insights I will provide match up with many cases, circumstances are not always the same. So, my conclusion may not match your situation. Also, realize this information deals with the individual who has engaged in multiple infidelities instead of the person who engaged in a single betrayal.

Before we answer these questions, let us examine three undisputed factors that allow betrayers to hurt those they claim to love.

• They have an addictive brain
• They suffer from a compulsive disorder
• They are emotionally undeveloped/underdeveloped

Those three disorders result in ongoing poor decision-making that has been active since an early age in those who betray. The questions the betrayed asks are logical and worthy of answers. However, the actions of individuals who deal with these three disorders are anything but rational. Urges and temptations drive the addictive brain. Compulsiveness leads to uncontrollable actions while being emotionally undeveloped results in self-centered and callous decisions. All of these factors outweigh rational thinking.

Please keep these disorders in mind as we walk through the three questions. 

Question 1

“What kind of relationship did we have that allowed you to hurt me?”

The answer is the relationship was not what you thought it was. Although you may have sensed something was “not right,” you could not put your finger on it. He was far too distant, only wanted to touch you if it led to sex or struggled to engage in meaningful conversation. It is also fair to say that in most cases, the relationship was unhealthy because the betrayer lacked the ability to invest in it deeply.

He may have thought he was investing by what he “did” for you and other family members, but there was no or limited emotional investment. Emotionally undeveloped/underdeveloped individuals are oblivious to the needs of those around them because they are inwardly focused. They may think they care, but their actions do not demonstrate commitment.

The relationship may have felt comfortable to the betrayer, but it was not a rich relationship. It is more like being glorified roommates instead of an integrated couple. It is shallow because those are the only relationships an emotionally undeveloped individual can cultivate.

Sure, during the beginning stages of a relationship, when neurotransmitters and neurochemicals are running amok, betrayers will give the impression (and believe it) that they are deeply involved. But these emotions will fade over time.

Betrayers do not set out to hurt those they profess to love. Dealing with those three factors – that have plagued them their entire lives – they focus too much on what they “want” versus the “needs” of those they love. Those who have been betrayed will not like this, but your partner loved the best he could. And that is unfortunate.

 Question 2

What were you thinking when you were having sex with other people or watching porn?

The short answer is that they focused on the emotional escape and physical stimulation they received. Period. They use sex to avoid emotional discomfort, and in doing so, they block out everything except for what is occurring at the moment. They focus on maintaining the heightened emotional and physical experience for as long as possible. If fantasy was involved, that is where they mentally focused and remained.

Question 3

What were you thinking about me when you were having sex with other people or watching porn?

This is where compartmentalization comes into play. For those unfamiliar with the term, it is a coping strategy that allows an individual to remove conflicting thoughts and emotions to avoid dealing with the discomfort of contradiction.

It would be nearly impossible for a betraying partner to engage in sexual behaviors while also thinking about their partner. Therefore, they unconsciously compartmentalize their actions and focus 100% of their attention on the forbidden activity. Once they are finished, their two worlds reunite, which could lead to guilt and shame.

This is accomplished once again with the three factors we outlined earlier. The addictive brain drives the urges, the compulsiveness drives the behavior, and being emotionally undeveloped eliminates the worry about not meeting the needs of those they love.

Look Forward, Not Backward

I am sure none of these answers to the pressing questions have made any of you who have dealt with betrayal feel better. However, these facts explain what was going on in the mind of the man who hurt you. It really is not about you – it is about him. As I said earlier, there may be some outliers in which these answers do not align. But in moving forward, if your partner is changing and learning to connect with you, I suggest you continue to do your betrayal work while focusing on how you both could move forward. That does not mean you forget; it just means you decide to heal.

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Eddie Capparucci is a licensed professional counselor certified in treating Problematic Sexual Behaviors. Among his many clients, Eddie has worked with professional athletes, including NFL and MLB players and television personalities. He is the creator of the Inner Child Model™ for treating PSBs.  He is also the author of

• Going Deeper: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Sexual Addiction
• Why Men Struggle to Love: Overcoming Relational Blind Spots
• Understanding the Inner Child and Overcoming Addiction
• Removing Your Shame Label: Learning to Break From Shame and Feel God’s Love. 

He is the administrator of the websites www.MenAgainstPorn.org and www.SexuallyPureMen.com, and over the years, he has spoken to numerous organizations regarding the harmful impact pornography has on individuals, relationships, and society. He hosts a monthly webcast: Getting to the Other Side: Helping Couples Navigate the Road to Recovery. You can learn more about his Inner Child Model by going to www.innerchild-sexaddiction.com.